A good friend of mine lost her dad recently and I felt "something" that I always feel whenever I learn someone lost someone important in their lives. I do not know what that "something" really is, but I sure know how it feels. I also learned that 5 years ago, she lost her better half. Needless to say, my heart went out to her as we were chatting. You see, I have not seen nor spoken to her for so many years and when finally we were reconnected, she openly shares her significant experiences. I salute her. But what do I say? I guess, saying less is better in these types of situations. I was at a loss for words, yes.. but never a loss for concern and friendship. And I felt that "something" again and my throat hurt.
From my experience of losing my papa, the first direct death in my family, the isolation is overwhelming and painful. I am sure a lot of people were praying for him and for us left behind. A lot of people reached out to me in ways they know and hope would comfort me. Their words of compassion and touches of care were all expressed. I remember them now. But at the time of loss, they were all just dreamy motions and figures and sounds. I knew in my heart they were meant to make me feel better and to hang on. I knew the prayers helped tremendously. Intellectually and by faith in God, I graciously accepted their kindness, but the sadness was overwhelming and in the midst of so many people trying to comfort me, I felt alone with what was the shell of my papa during the wake. It was him, me and God. The kindness of others seemed to take a backseat in my consciousness and the raw truth was in front of me, my papa has left me. It was the saddest day of my life and it still is. I lost someone I truly truly loved, respected and care about. I said my thank you's to all who condoled with me and my family. But such an event in one's life is like watching yourself on TV and you sometimes have to pinch yourself to make sure what happened ... indeed happened. You struggle to accept the passing, you worry about finances and the logistics of arrangements, you think about who to announce it to, would they care to know, would they come and visit one last time, am I physically and emotionally capable to gather myself and not break down when people visit, can I not relate over and over again what happened and how it happened and how I am holding up... it was just like reliving the moment of losing him, over and over and over again. But they loved him too and I owe it to them to share the experience, and you attempt to feign strength and composure when deep inside you are broken.
Only time dulls the pain of losing someone. Only faith that our loved one is with Jesus in heaven can eventually bring us peace as we continue to live without the usual presence of someone who loved us in life until death. And when we come to this point, we remember fondly the many encouraging words that our family and friends have expressed and extended to us. And we add them to our list of people to thank and to love as we go on living hopefully a life that God wants us to live.
And life goes on...
